Buttercups & Burlap

January is often times a month of reflection… in that vein I thought it would be fun to write a little note to my 18 year old self. It’s nice to celebrate what we all have been through, that makes us who we are and see how far we have come and how much we have changed. If you could write a letter to your younger self… what would you say?

Dear 18 Y/O Lila,

Looking back there are a few things that I wish you knew –it would have made life so much easier. But, hindsight is 20-20. First of all, you end up married to the most amazing man. Growing up you so badly wanted a boyfriend and a happily ever after. You are going to be utterly devastated each and every time you have your heart broken and you will often lament, “Where is he?” “Why is it taking so long?” It is perfectly fine to date lots of different guys but don’t try to make each one ‘fit’ –you should know that they won’t, because they aren’t the one. Before you dramatically say to yourself and your friends: “I am going to be single forever,” you will try online dating and boy you will meet a lot of “interesting” men, HOWEVER, you will also meet your other half.

You used to believe that marriage was only a piece of paper but you are in for a surprise…something does shift; never in your life have you ever felt love for someone to this extent or felt loved by someone to this extent. When he is away at work or you are parted (temporarily) for whatever reason you literally feel lost, uncomfortable and like half of your heart/soul is missing. It is overwhelming –that is worth the wait, Ms. Impatient!

We both know that your teenage years were a little tumultuous with your father’s illness and death and your relationship with your mother. You could never understand her and you felt like she would never understand you; oh the teenage angst. For some reason you felt this resentment, this irritation. Your bond will be tested but eventually you will have to let go and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. I really wish you figured this out sooner, but I guess it really is “never too late!” Her checking out which made you feel like you were on your own was a result of her grief. Her sudden realization that she needs to be a mother and of course the imposition of rules which you thought was garbage was her just trying to regain control in a world where she didn’t have much. After all, she couldn’t control your father’s illness or death or the shitty demise of our family as your father’s side seemed to cut and run when you both needed them the most. Her hoarding was a result of trying to hold on to her life before and fill her new life with something/anything.

Your high school friends that you deemed to be more important than family (your mother) will no longer be given a second thought once you go to Alberta for university despite the promises you made to one another. BUT… you will meet your ride or die, your bottom hand, your sister by choice, your best friend. That friendship is the definition of Anais Nin’s quote, “[e]ach friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Back to the tumultuous teenage years; your issues with self-esteem resulted in cutting and disordered eating; you eventually kicked them both but you really needed to commit to a life of mindful practice and healthy eating and exercise a lifestyle you will need to work on even in your 30s and wish you started sooner.

The driest piece of advice or rather the most ‘adultish’ piece of advice I would like to impart to you is the importance of financial planning. Go to the bank, meet with a planner, set yourself up to truly have a golden future/retirement. Invest, buy RRSPs and get life insurance. BUT! Don’t hoard your money use it to enjoy life, go on adventures, travel, do what you love before it is too late to do those things –think how young your dad was when he died. Plus, it will make you a more interesting person, it will broaden your horizons and give your life meaning; you can’t take it with you in the end after all.  

Sincerely,
34 Y/O Lila

And now for a blast from the past….

2021 HAS to be better than 2020; it just has to be…

Normally, I don’t bother making resolutions because I haven’t been successful in keeping them, so I just avoided the pressure and disappointment entirely. Since I made it through the pandemic. I will be making a resolution and sticking to it. This year will be the year of taking better care of myself physically and mentally.

Sub-Resolution 1: Lose weight

• I have put on quite a bit of weight over the last few years; and even morso during quarantine. I slimmed down a bit for my wedding but it didn’t last. It has taken me awhile to realize that it isn’t about losing weight until I hit the magic number on the scale and then wildly yo-yo-ing. I have to make a conscious decision to keep the weight off consistently, to be proactive.

Sub-Resolution 2: Improve my (diet/exercise) habits

• There are no gyms nearby, and my workout buddy lives in Calgary. I need to make sure that the time I carve out to workout is not being sacrificed for something else. Unfortunately there are only so many hours in a day and something has to give; and ultimately it has been this aspect of my personal care. I have sacrificed working out for marking, planning, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, completing my masters, playing Candy Crush, etc. I also have been eating pretty terribly since the fall. I live on convenience food like sandwiches and pre-made, processed foods because it has seemed easier than cooking for one. Eating garbage has made me feel like garbage; no energy to workout even if I wanted to. I was the queen of make ahead meals, I have to reclaim my throne. It saved me a lot of time throughout the week; time that I could use to work out or do the other things that I sacrificed my workouts for in the first place. In addition, I also have to be more consistent at taking my vitamins.

Sub-Resolution 3: Cut out alcohol

• I don’t drink excessively, however this is one less thing I can keep out of my system. Plus, it will help me avoid the excruciating migraines I have been battling since age eleven. I probably should have done this one sooner; but I was young and dumb.

Sub-Resolution 4: Cut out caffeine

• There is a teacher meme that states: “Coffee: Turning tired teachers into superheroes on a daily basis!” This is accurate. There have been days where I consumed four or more cups of coffee, especially during report card season. There have been days where I get the shakes because I haven’t had enough coffee. Every night after dinner I have a cup of coffee with my husband. Sadly, I’ll admit that I probably drink more pop or juice on a daily basis than water. So I’m going to limit myself to the recommended daily allotment of caffeine and up my water intake considerably. 

Several years ago, I attended a PD session; and it was a much needed wake up call for me not only professionally but also personally. It came at a time were I was beginning to feel myself slipping into a nasty case of winters blues and burnout in general.  And I also felt like I was spending too much time on my phone and not enough time communicating meaningfully and in person with the people I love. The session was given by Alberta based clinical psychologist, Dr. Jody Carrington. She speaks very frankly on a variety of topics including: relationships, parenting, compassion fatigue, grief, leadership and trauma. I would say that by far this is THE greatest session I had been to in a VERY LONG TIME. If you ever get a chance to see her, I highly recommended it; even if you can’t, follow her on Instagram! I thoroughly enjoyed her book, Kids These Days!
 
One of the many items she talked about was that we find it difficult to be joyful; we are always preparing for the worst or we forget to “lean into joy” and ultimately gratitude. Basically we need to consciously articulate joy in our lives. She suggested that we all think of THREE things each day that gave us joy or that we were grateful /thankful for, no matter how small or silly it may seem. She said that we should do this until Christmas break and it would “change our lives.” A co-worker and I made a pact to follow her advice. I cannot begin to tell you the difference that this has made to my mood, energy level, classroom practice and to my relationships with family and friends. So here is what I found joy/gratitude in from November 1st to December 20th. 

1.Coworkers
2. Gauge, my dog
3. Jody Carrington session
4. Treats in the staff room
5. Generosity of people
6. That my grade 9s  were so well behaved and mature
7. Hunting; so I can watch a field full of does feeding while their fawns frolick
8.Coffee in the morning
9. Sunny weather during winter
10. Cuddling
11. Getting an extra hour of sleep
12. Being able to finally read a book for pleasure
13. That my friend who was in a car accident is on the mend
14. Funny teacher memes
15. Sloths
16. Getting an encouraging email from a parent
17. Being almost done report cards
18. Look on my neighbour’s face when I gave her a thank you gift
19. A grade 7 dressed up as a Trex for spirit day (showing exemplary school spirit)
20. A student who was concussed is getting back to her old self
21. When grade 9s did well with their letters to the justice minister
22. Chatting with students about Star Wars
23. My grade 7s love inreach class with me and seek it out
24. Our secretary brought dip two days in a row and the English teacher brought Krispy Kreme
25. Report cards are done
26. It is Friday
27. My best friend is coming over for the weekend from Calgary
28. Good food
29. Great wine
30. Adventures in Edmonton
31. Made quiche for the first time and it turned out very well (and was a hit with guests)
32. Garth Brooks sing along in the car
33. Great service from salespeople (just happy and super helpful; love what they do)
34. That I have the day off so I can recover from the plague without having to do sub plans
35. The Happiness Planner (I filled it in the other day with Megan but I read it over today)
36. Laundry and dishes are done; so I’m feeling productive (sick but productive
37. There was extra Cobbs Bread in the staff room so we all got to take some home
38. Macaroni & Cheese
39. Only have 1 set of assignments to mark (basically caught myself up today) 
40. Got to see Kim today after what seems like a million years
41. Celebrating a coworker and wishing her well on her retirement 
42. The art kids wrote messages of “get well” on my whiteboard and drew me pictures 
43. Bird feeders
44. Aaron rubbed mint oil on my back so now it hurts less from coughing
45. Getting to hang out with my friend and her kids (virtual coffee date)
46. Seminars are planned (just a few little things to make, print & copy left) 
47. Seeing my cousin Adam & Adeline
48. Awesome in-laws 
49. Authentic Indian food 
50. Vancouver without any rain 
51. Fleece blankets 
52. Ginger tea 
53. Booze at a baby shower 
54. Hubby is on the mend after dental surgery
55. The greatest sloth gift ever (a mini Sebastian in a onesie) from Kim because she came back to work! (2 things in one)
56. Sub plans are finished
57. Adorable shop cat
58. My DES 1010 kids earned their credit
59. Got to visit with my aunt 
60. Apple crisp in the staff room 
61. My DES 1020 kid earned their credit
62. Hump day candy and chips 
63. Found a new favourite Chinese food place 
64. Fuzzy socks
65. Cruising with Aaron 
66. PD planning with Kim 
67. It’s Friday! 
68. Coming home to see that Aaron started to clean the kitchen 
69. Murphy Brown reboot
70. Sleeping in
71. A hot cup of coffee
72. Mayans season finale
73. Cheesy romantic Christmas movies
74. Seeing the wild cat we found is getting chubbier, stronger and braver
75. Watching Gauge roll around in the snow 
76. Freezer food; otherwise I would starve 
77. Christmas decorations at work
78. My grade 11s were so productive today 
79. Aaron is on his way home 
80. Really good discussion about cultural contact and relationship building with the 7s 
81. Purdys is dealt with and we fundraised $520
82. Best sloth puppet ever
83. Furniture arrived
84. Finding out that Aaron’s dental coverage is really good 
85. Christmas gift idea from Deb 
86. When a coworker gives you her sub so you can get caught up on marking
87. When a student realizes you were right about using worktime 
88. Perogy deliciousness
89. Christmas card creation was a success with the art kids
90. Knowing that the Dr. Carrington challenge starts tomorrow
91. Christmas shopping with Aaron
92. Got my ring cleaned; I love sparkly things
93. Supporting my friend’s crafting business
94. Cranberry ginger ale
95. My new light up snowman decoration
96. Plowed driveway
97. Snow day
98. Ordered Aaron’s gift
99. New Kate Spade wallet from a generous coworker 
100. Poinsettias are gorgeous
101. Pioneer Woman magazine; winter edition
102. Aaron put the tree up and made goose jerky and soup
103. Pajama Day
104. Phone call with my Calgary bestie
105. Sex and the City reruns
106. Poutine for dinner
107. Great class with the 9s
108. Having an understanding friend who listens to my rants
109. Sculpting Christmas ornaments
110. Donair
111. Happy puppy
112. Clean house
113. Tree is all decorated
114. Watching my nieces and nephew make a gingerbread house
115. Morning snuggles on the couch with my youngest niece watching cooking shows
116. Wrapping presents
117. Christmas scented candles
118. Kim’s bangs; because they look good and she feels so happy about her new look
119. Double prep in the morning
120. Learning how to shellac my own nails at home
121. Delicious cookie from one of my students
122. No tech glitches
123. Having a nice meal
124. Self car bingo cards
125. Great laughs with coworkers & Ed’s hashbrown casserole in the staff room
126. Social 9 class worked so well considering it was an 80 minute block (and we are inching closer to Christmas break)
127. Coming home to see a Christmas light surprise (Aaron bought lights to string along the driveway fence)
128. Rapping  the clean version of “Lose Yourself” with Kim for the 7s
129. Grade 7 comic strips are looking so awesome
130. Drinks with Jess
131. Epic band concert
132. Purdy’s orders came in and was right
133. Andrew’s Christmas sweater
134. Receiving and reading the first Christmas cards of the season
135. Decluttering
136. Cousin in law becoming a nurse practitioner
137. Fixed a really special Christmas ornament finally; that broke like 6 years ago
138. Watching Home Alone movies while Aaron brines whitefish (smells soooo good!)
139. Crazy good sales at Indigo
140. Incredibly thoughtful and beautiful gifts from one of my students
141. All the treats in the staff room
142. Survived Monday before winter break
143. Lose Yourself was on the radio on the way to school
144. Chinese food
145. Secret Santa gift
146. Google Meets with the 8s
147. Charlie Brown Christmas Mural
148. Watching National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation while enjoying a cup of coffee