Buttercups & Burlap

January is often times a month of reflection… in that vein I thought it would be fun to write a little note to my 18 year old self. It’s nice to celebrate what we all have been through, that makes us who we are and see how far we have come and how much we have changed. If you could write a letter to your younger self… what would you say?

Dear 18 Y/O Lila,

Looking back there are a few things that I wish you knew –it would have made life so much easier. But, hindsight is 20-20. First of all, you end up married to the most amazing man. Growing up you so badly wanted a boyfriend and a happily ever after. You are going to be utterly devastated each and every time you have your heart broken and you will often lament, “Where is he?” “Why is it taking so long?” It is perfectly fine to date lots of different guys but don’t try to make each one ‘fit’ –you should know that they won’t, because they aren’t the one. Before you dramatically say to yourself and your friends: “I am going to be single forever,” you will try online dating and boy you will meet a lot of “interesting” men, HOWEVER, you will also meet your other half.

You used to believe that marriage was only a piece of paper but you are in for a surprise…something does shift; never in your life have you ever felt love for someone to this extent or felt loved by someone to this extent. When he is away at work or you are parted (temporarily) for whatever reason you literally feel lost, uncomfortable and like half of your heart/soul is missing. It is overwhelming –that is worth the wait, Ms. Impatient!

We both know that your teenage years were a little tumultuous with your father’s illness and death and your relationship with your mother. You could never understand her and you felt like she would never understand you; oh the teenage angst. For some reason you felt this resentment, this irritation. Your bond will be tested but eventually you will have to let go and realize that she did the best she could with what she had. I really wish you figured this out sooner, but I guess it really is “never too late!” Her checking out which made you feel like you were on your own was a result of her grief. Her sudden realization that she needs to be a mother and of course the imposition of rules which you thought was garbage was her just trying to regain control in a world where she didn’t have much. After all, she couldn’t control your father’s illness or death or the shitty demise of our family as your father’s side seemed to cut and run when you both needed them the most. Her hoarding was a result of trying to hold on to her life before and fill her new life with something/anything.

Your high school friends that you deemed to be more important than family (your mother) will no longer be given a second thought once you go to Alberta for university despite the promises you made to one another. BUT… you will meet your ride or die, your bottom hand, your sister by choice, your best friend. That friendship is the definition of Anais Nin’s quote, “[e]ach friend represents a world in us, a world not born until they arrive, and it is only by this meeting that a new world is born.”

Back to the tumultuous teenage years; your issues with self-esteem resulted in cutting and disordered eating; you eventually kicked them both but you really needed to commit to a life of mindful practice and healthy eating and exercise a lifestyle you will need to work on even in your 30s and wish you started sooner.

The driest piece of advice or rather the most ‘adultish’ piece of advice I would like to impart to you is the importance of financial planning. Go to the bank, meet with a planner, set yourself up to truly have a golden future/retirement. Invest, buy RRSPs and get life insurance. BUT! Don’t hoard your money use it to enjoy life, go on adventures, travel, do what you love before it is too late to do those things –think how young your dad was when he died. Plus, it will make you a more interesting person, it will broaden your horizons and give your life meaning; you can’t take it with you in the end after all.  

Sincerely,
34 Y/O Lila

And now for a blast from the past….

2021 HAS to be better than 2020; it just has to be…

Normally, I don’t bother making resolutions because I haven’t been successful in keeping them, so I just avoided the pressure and disappointment entirely. Since I made it through the pandemic. I will be making a resolution and sticking to it. This year will be the year of taking better care of myself physically and mentally.

Sub-Resolution 1: Lose weight

• I have put on quite a bit of weight over the last few years; and even morso during quarantine. I slimmed down a bit for my wedding but it didn’t last. It has taken me awhile to realize that it isn’t about losing weight until I hit the magic number on the scale and then wildly yo-yo-ing. I have to make a conscious decision to keep the weight off consistently, to be proactive.

Sub-Resolution 2: Improve my (diet/exercise) habits

• There are no gyms nearby, and my workout buddy lives in Calgary. I need to make sure that the time I carve out to workout is not being sacrificed for something else. Unfortunately there are only so many hours in a day and something has to give; and ultimately it has been this aspect of my personal care. I have sacrificed working out for marking, planning, cooking, cleaning, watching TV, completing my masters, playing Candy Crush, etc. I also have been eating pretty terribly since the fall. I live on convenience food like sandwiches and pre-made, processed foods because it has seemed easier than cooking for one. Eating garbage has made me feel like garbage; no energy to workout even if I wanted to. I was the queen of make ahead meals, I have to reclaim my throne. It saved me a lot of time throughout the week; time that I could use to work out or do the other things that I sacrificed my workouts for in the first place. In addition, I also have to be more consistent at taking my vitamins.

Sub-Resolution 3: Cut out alcohol

• I don’t drink excessively, however this is one less thing I can keep out of my system. Plus, it will help me avoid the excruciating migraines I have been battling since age eleven. I probably should have done this one sooner; but I was young and dumb.

Sub-Resolution 4: Cut out caffeine

• There is a teacher meme that states: “Coffee: Turning tired teachers into superheroes on a daily basis!” This is accurate. There have been days where I consumed four or more cups of coffee, especially during report card season. There have been days where I get the shakes because I haven’t had enough coffee. Every night after dinner I have a cup of coffee with my husband. Sadly, I’ll admit that I probably drink more pop or juice on a daily basis than water. So I’m going to limit myself to the recommended daily allotment of caffeine and up my water intake considerably.