Dating is tough, online dating adds a whole other dimension! This month marks EIGHT years since I met my husband through eharmony. I offer you some personally tried and tested tips to help you navigate your way online to a successful relationship.
Since I have re-watched every Iliza Schlesinger special on Netflix during this pandemic, I can’t help but quote her Elder Millennial special: “you gotta kiss a lot of frogs to…” get your happily ever after (ultimately).
Several of my friends have also turned to online dating and I have realized that it is super common for our generation. It is definitely an interesting journey but along the way we learned some very valuable lessons. Sorry, this is a LONG post; but it took me two years to find my prince!
1. The Right Mindset
Perhaps the most important is make sure you do what is comfortable for you! This means having a clear idea of what you want, what is important to you and what you expect from the other person, if you know, you are less likely to put yourself in a position or select a match that makes you unhappy. This also helps you focus on compatibility beyond physical attraction. Never operate from a place of uncertainty, never operate from a place of fear (fear of an activity or fear of being single for the rest of your life). Yes, it is important to be open-minded, flexible and try new things; without being super judgemental, however everyone (both you and your date) have non-negotiables/boundaries If you expect the other person to honour yours then you have to honour theirs as well.
2. Finding The Right Site/App
Make sure you find a reputable dating site; there are some meant for people at certain stages of their lives, some that are faith based, some that are focused on helping you find a hook-up and some that are focused on helping you find a relationship. Your chances of getting what you want increase when you are on the site that matches your end game or situation. Don’t pick one because of the price tag/sale/promotion; invest in yourself!
3. Setting Up Your Profile
Now that you have the mindset and set up an account on a site it is time to create your profile. What to do? What not to do? Those are the questions…
Post current photos of yourself...Trust me, it is natural to want to post some older photos where you may look better. But your potential suitor is not dating who you were (physically or emotionally) 5 years ago; they are dating the current you…Don’t deceive them or yourself. It goes both ways. Also, post what I call “action shots,” these are photos of you doing what you love to do…in these photos you also look happy…and that is attractive and provides back-up to what you outline in your profile. It also helps get the conversation started!
Create a profile of substance…I’d be lying if I said that photos weren’t the number one reason why people get drawn to a profile but ultimately it is. But it is the content you put in the profile that makes them ‘stay,’ ‘consider you,’ ‘send you a message,’ etc. Which means the information you include must be truthful. Say what you mean and mean what you say (applicable not only to profile creation but also when conversing with your matches)
4. Navigate The Site/Your Matches
Be active; don’t wait for them to come to you…if you see someone you like then go for it; send a message. They are probably just as nervous as you. This whole, ‘wait to be discovered or chosen’ is total crap. You are responsible for making yourself happy!
I will admit that it is easy to swipe ‘No’ (I believe we are judgmental by nature). The perfect match is not truly ‘perfect’ no one is perfect; hopefully prior to registering on your dating site of choice you have debunked the myth of perfection. There are those who are obviously wrong for you and those can be easily weeded out. BUT don’t be afraid of the only 75% compatible rating; start a conversation first…just because you talk to them doesn’t mean you have to actually date them!!!!!!!!!! You owe them nothing. These sorts of matches/compatibility levels can give you a chance to refocus what you want it is also good for the practice of being open-minded. Dating sites use algorithms devoid of human emotion; there are things that you can assess that the site can’t. You never know that 75% on paper may actually be closer to your ideal than a 99% but of course don’t to try and make them someone they are not just to make it work.
Personally, I was utterly disheartened when match after match didn’t work out. The messages that went unanswered or the conversations that fizzled or the dates that didn’t pan out really got to me. There were definitely times where I thought that there was something wrong with me or that I would be single for the rest of my life; basically I felt like I was incompatible with every guy…unmatchable. Yes, I realize that was a total spiral; hopefully a little comic relief in a fairly serious blog post. My point is: DON’T BE DISCOURAGED! You won’t find him or her the first time..you may be on the site for a while (reconcile yourself with that fact). Anyone who is worth your time and affection is worth waiting for.
5. Interacting/“Conversing”
Communicating online is tough! We all need to have a bit of patience. Give your match a chance to get the conversation going…the number of “Hi, how are you?” messages you will get can seem tedious but in person, you’d start the convo the same way. Not everyone is their naturally witty or engaging self over DM. They are not going to open with: “Tell me everything about yourself!” “Let’s date,” or “Will you marry me?” Be realistic!
Okay, so you took my advice about being active during your search; be active during the conversation. Never be afraid to ask questions. Conversations are two way streets; they will ask you stuff if you ask them stuff! I know that is revolutionary advice but for some reason we seem to forget this. It is important to give them something to talk to you about (which you have also done by including substance in your profile). For some weird reason, some women feel the need to be shy or coy as a way to be a demure damsel *insert eyeroll here* Those one word answers and being overly shy or coy can be read as not interested.
Take a look at your text messages; what do you see? EMOTICONS…use these sparingly…especially with those you are just getting to know. However, they can be helpful especially because we ALL suffer from the inability to ascertain tone during online communication BUT….double edged sword… they can be irritating if overly relied on.
Ever dated someone who was a “negative nelly”? I guess my question should really be: ever dumped someone who was overly negative? Well, as self explanatory as this may seem, use positive language as much as possible. Being overly negative is one way to ensure that the conversation wanes.
Yes, it is okay to be flirty but your opener should have more to it than “You are cute *winky face* Remember to talk about both the superficial and deeper stuff. And while it is okay to be flirty it isn’t okay to talk about your ex too much…we all know why…
Now, that you have become comfortable with the dating site and messaging with your match, don’t spend all your time talking online. It is important to ACTUALLY meet and talk in person. You have to shelve your fear of rejection (as sucky as it is to be rejected after a date) you do have to put yourself out there…put your heart on the line a bit.
6. SAFETY
Okay, so maybe I lied earlier in the post… THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT piece of advice I can give you! Meet in a public place, have an arrangement with a friend and check in with them.