Category: Reflections & Lifestyle

I remember getting the phone call.
I remember the person on the other end telling me that our beloved committed suicided.
I remember my heart pounding, my ears ringing.
I remember hanging up.
I remember throwing my phone across the kitchen and sinking down to the floor.
I remember the tears flooding down my face.
I remember going to work the next day and breaking the news to others.
I remember their screams and their sobs.
I remember the funeral.
I remember spending the rest of the year picking up the pieces of broken people left behind.
I remember realizing that none of us would ever be the same.

Far too many people commit suicide to escape the pain.
Far too many people are left behind with the pain.

World Suicide Prevention Day is September 10!

The Canadian Association of Suicide Prevention is one organization that seeks to unite people in 50 countries under the auspices of promoting the understanding of suicide, and to aid in the goal of a world without suicide. If you click on this link (and I sincerely hope that you do); you can find out about the online event that the CASP is hosting, called, “Creating Hope Through Action.” In addition to toolkits available in a plethora of languages. You can also find WAYS TO GIVE.

September 5th is the International Day of Charity. This day was established by the United Nations in honor of Mother Teresa. It was established to raise awareness and encourage people to become active global citizens by helping others; whether this manifests itself in the form of donating supplies, money, skills or time. As the Duke and Duchess of Sussex have said, “we can all live a life of service. Service is universal.” Any contribution great or smaller is one step closer to a brighter future. 

Sometimes it can be difficult to know who to donate to/support. A fantastic resource to help research the best rated charities is Charity Watch. This site assigns a grade to each charity, specifies the amount that is spent on programs relative to overhead and the amount spent to raise money (increment of $100).

A helpful source for Canadian specific charities is: Charity Intelligence Canada. This site also assigns a grade to each charity, outlines financial transparency, demonstrated impact, the need for funding and the cents that go to the cause. I used this site to choose the organizations I wanted to highlight.

This year, I am choosing to donate to five charities; ideally I would also like to volunteer my time; however, with remaining pandemic restrictions and still recovering from my accident that isn’t possible. 

1. War Child Canada
2. Canadian Foodgrains Bank
3. Aunt Leah’s Place
4. First Book Canada
5. Indian Residential School Society

How do you plan on celebrating today?

I had been looking forward to the summer for a very long time; basically the second we went back to work in September, I was already counting down the days. I know that sounds bad; but teaching in a pandemic really sucked.

We had gone into closure in March 2020; and stayed closed for the remainder of the semester at this time we were encouraged to work from home and minimize time spent in the school. We adapted very quickly to online teaching. Then we went back to in-person learning in September 2020 with a ton of restrictions and safety protocols. It was necessary but it was hell for us and for the students. We shifted to online learning for four weeks at the end of November; but we were mandated to be in the school building. As numbers continued to climb we were precariously skirting the line of online learning again… and we ended up having to quarantine, ran out of subs and were forced into closure a week before the province implemented a two week closure and shift to online learning once again.

Needless to say everyone was exhausted. As teachers, we were among the last to get vaccinated… which in itself caused a lot of stress.

You can understand why I was looking forward to summer after the topsy-turvy school year.

My summer started off with me catching up on some much needed sleep and chores and looking after the dog, who had surgery to removed a few hygromas on his elbow. I was looking forward to spending lots of time in the garden and breaking in my new greenhouse. And of course, reading! We planned a camping trip so we could do a little fly-fishing and I could “nerd out” at a few historic sites in the area. I managed to catch a fish and almost make it to the historic, Fort MacLeod… but eleven days into my summer; I fell and broke my ankle and required emergency surgery. It ended our camping trip immediately.

So, my summer has consisted of sitting on the couch, watching the Olympics, reading Wilbur Smith novels, prepping materials for the upcoming school year and doctors appointments.

BUT… I have been so incredibly touched by the love and care that my family and friends have given to me. They have looked after me and the dog, got groceries, did the chores I couldn’t do, driven me to appointments and so much more! I am so lucky to have the family and friends that I have. I don’t know how I will ever be able to repay them!

Father’s Day will be June 20th this year. Traditionally on these days children celebrate and thank their mothers and fathers for all that they have done for them. Sometimes surprising the revered parent with breakfast in bed or a family dinner out at a nice restaurant. The day is complete with gifts, a nice handmade card or perhaps a bouquet of flowers and a box of their favourite chocolates. For me; these days are bittersweet. These days, in addition to my father’s birthdays, death day and really every special occasion in my life. Instead of thanking him, I am remembering him, and wishing he was still here. I know I am not alone in feeling so. Feeling nostalgic, I wanted to share my experience of parental loss with you.

My dad and I shared a very close bond; the memories I have of him are too numerous to even begin to start sharing. I was the typical ‘Daddy’s Girl.’ His death on June 13 2002 hit me HARD. He had been diagnosed with Chronic Lymphocytic Leukemia, three years earlier when I was in seventh grade. Like many children, I figured he would simply live forever. I didn’t really understand how this illness could take him from me; he had survived so much already in his short 48 years on this Earth. From a horrible industrial accident that required over 15 surgeries, then of course complications from those surgeries, thyroid issues and in general immense pain on a daily basis. He endured all that while running his own business and looking after my mother, myself and his own mother who suffered a massive stroke and was paralyzed on the left side. He endured without complaint.

I spent a lot of time with him at the Cancer Clinic; sitting with him while he had chemotherapy. Again my junior high self didn’t really understand; we had spent lots of time at the hospital over the years even prior to ‘The Big C’ and he always came home… I will never forget the night he died; the phone rang… CODE BLUE, the nurse told my mother. She came into my room and suggested I get dressed because there was a chance that “Dad may pass away.” By the time we arrive at the hospital he was gone. I was sick to my stomach. 

As a teenager, just freshly 16 years of age I felt isolated in my grief. I didn’t feel comfortable asking for help or talking to anyone; even my own grieving family. It is safe to say that I wanted to suffer in silence; swallow my grief. It wasn’t healthy and that’s definitely why I became angry. I slammed a few doors, became self-destructive and lashed out at people who were simply trying to help. Basically I spiralled. This huge traumatic event in my life brought a lot of unwanted attention to me and my family. Don’t get me wrong; I can’t even begin to thank those who stepped up to show us kindness and compassion at that difficult time, but as a typical teenager it was overwhelming. I just wanted to be normal, I wanted everyone to think that I was okay, that I was a strong mother-fucker (excuse the language) because I was 16 and all 16 year old think they are invincible (and that we know better, when clearly we don’t). It irked me incredibly to be known as the “girl whose dad just died,” that label made me burn with embarrassment. My dad died around the time that MSN Messenger was super popular; so I spent hours locked away downstairs in the office ‘talking’ to my friends completing ignoring my own suffering family.

As I was reading up about grief during adolescence, recently, I found my aforementioned behaviour was extremely common. While I clacked away on the keyboard; chatting, I thought about my life. I thought a lot; I thought a lot about a lot of things. I thought about all the activities I used to do with my dad and that I would NEVER be able to do them with him again. I thought about all the things in my life that he would never be apart of. I had never been a religious person, but this grievous, life shattering event even made me think that there couldn’t possibly be a God –since he had let this happen to me and my family. And of course I thought: “What the fuck am I going to do now?” But, the memorial service happened, the ashes were scattered, life went on: high school graduation, university, teaching, marriage…

We all survived the grief. It did get easier as the years went on, however I have shed quite a few tears composing this post but I didn’t fall to pieces like I did back then. I am thankful that I had a dad like him and that I was able to cultivate 16 years of awesome memories with him. I miss my dad and I wish he was still here. But I think the life I have led up to this point would have made him proud and that makes my heart happy. 

Since today is my 35th birthday, I wanted to challenge myself to accomplish 36 things before my 36th birthday because getting older should be fun and something you shouldn’t be dreading. So here’s to a year of new experiences!

1. Try water therapy
2. Visit the Royal Alberta Museum
3. Attend a conference led by one of my teacher/educational idols
4. Go to Fort MacLeod
5. Successfully make one of my Grandma’s Hungarian dessert recipes (Walnut Roll)
6. Go to a movie by myself
7. Go on a fishing trip 
8. Find the perfect pair of jeans
9. Take a course 
10. Host a cookie exchange
11. Go to the Art Gallery of Alberta
12. Have my makeup professionally done
13. Complete a fitness challenge
14. Make my own signature drink
15. Attend (another) Cirque Du Soleil show
16. Get a manicure
17. Start seriously saving for retirement
18. Do a charity walk
19. Watch the sunrise and sunset in one day
20. Name a star
21. Lose 10 pounds
22. Go bowling
23. Have High Tea at the Hotel Macdonald
24. Take a cooking class
25. Get a new hairstyle and colour
26. Go to Fort Edmonton Park
27. Observe Lent
28. Find a new author that I love as much as Agatha Christie
29. Sleep under the stars
30. Go on a girl’s trip with Megan
31. Send my husband on an epic hunting trip
32. Update my kitchen cabinets
33. Eat at Calcutta Cricket Club in Calgary
34. Get a tattoo
35. Improve my home office
36. Cut out swearing

May and June are always hectic; and literally every teacher meme about ‘getting to the finish line’ is true. However, at least for me, it is a sad time. We say goodbye to our students, some for the summer and some forever as they embark on their post-secondary adventures. At the same time as we are wrapping up we are also gearing up for the next school year. There are a few things us educators can do that can make this time of the year better.

Teacher Wellness/Self-Care
This is increasingly becoming a popular topic. Compassion fatigue is real. Teacher fatigue is real. We can’t possibly be effective and look after others if we don’t look after ourselves. We may think to ourselves that we can just burn the candle at both ends and then ‘recover over the summer.’ But let’s face it…we never actually do…we just keep going. Attending PD sessions, planning lessons, buying supplies, adapting curriculum, preparing materials, decorating our classrooms, etc. Never underestimate the importance of sleep; make it a priority, not something you do for a few hours each night after working. Set a timer; once it rings put away what you were doing whether you finished it or not and “go the fuck to sleep!” We always stress how important it is for our kiddos to sleep but we don’t always practice what we preach. You can avoid the June burnout and pre-summer cold simply by getting a good night’s sleep on a CONSISTENT basis.

Have Fun With Your Colleagues
Some people subscribe to the belief that the people at your place of employment are co-workers and nothing more; but I strongly disagree. You walk into any school or staffroom and you find a family; a number of adults (from custodians, to educational assistants to secretaries to administration staff to teachers) who are all heavily invested in “their kids.” We are all riding the same emotional rollercoaster together, we are the ones in the trenches fighting tooth and nail to make sure the kids get the best possible education, feel safe, are supported and set up for success. There are elements of confidentiality associated with working with young people so technically we only have our colleagues to talk to about what goes on. Our colleagues are special! As much as we need to take care of ourselves we also need to make sure our “work family” is taking care of themselves. Leave the comfort of the staffroom behind and have some fun; take advantage of the nice weather. This will help you all re-charge and finish the year off on a strong note.

Find the Joy/Celebrate Success
There are lots of stakeholders in education and they all have differing opinions on what is being done, what should be done, and how you and the students have been doing. It is very easy to internalize and take things personally; a low test score, an interaction with a stakeholder than didn’t go as planned, a lesson that flopped, a new initiative launched by central office or the Minister of Education. We let those define our days, months and school years as a whole; we let them pile up over the school year. Let’s stop with the negativity. Re-frame your mindset: if something didn’t go what, come up with at least one way in which you can plausibly work toward fixing it for the next school year. Find joy every day; no matter how small it may seem. And do this overtly; reflect with the kiddos, your colleagues and your loved ones. 

When the school year does end…

Don’t Let Work Take Over Your Summer
Don’t ever feel bad for taking a break; I know I struggled with teacher guilt for a while. I am getting better and making sure I have some ME time. I force myself to take the first week of July off with ZERO school work. Then I only do maybe an hour (or maybe 2) Monday-Friday. I have been scheduling more and more mini-trips or activities throughout the summer to make sure I actually get out, get moving and have fun.